The pleasures of being family...

One of my main goals in life since the day my sister's were born has been to completely gross them out. And while this goal is entirely and easily obtainable, there have been some moments throughout our 24 year history as sister's that far exceed all limitations of disgust that I am really really truly proud of.

There was the phase during puberty where I finally got boobs and for some reason whipping open my towel after showering and shaking my newly blossomed bosom at my sister's was the most satisfying act EVER.

Holding them down while hovering right over their faces and threatening to droll on them was always a fan favorite.

Putting my stinky feet on their faces when they least expect it is probably the most long lasting, traumatizing experience my sister Grace has ever endured, I think she still to this day has feet issues.

Then there was that one time that I tortured them by trying to touch them with my famously huge butt mole that looks like a clinger if you don't know better (wow, did I just write that...)

As you can see, I have been keeping it classy for years. But seriously, what is the point of having siblings if you can't torture them whenever you please?

Today though? Today was a doozy...

Rose, Alissa and I were sitting on the patio talking about boys and sex and I cannot even remember the entire conversation, nor the context, but at one point I chime in, "Who doesn't like to be choked every now and again?"

Joking or not, I'll never tell, but I swear to God, my sister Rose had such a look of absolute HORROR on her face that it was one for THE record books. I mean, I could actually see the disapproval surfacing.

It's like sex talk brings a whole new level of torture to our 24 year relationship...

A lesson in pregnancy...

My sister, Rose, is 8 months (36 weeks) pregnant now and absolutely hating every passing moment. She certainly is not one of those glowing pregnant women that loves everything about being pregnant. In fact, I have over heard my sister at least 3 times today alone look down at her stomack and shout, "Get out now," in a very stern voice.

However, I went to her OBGYN appointment with her this morning (horrifying!!) and the doctor says that she needs to cook this kid for at least 2 more weeks. The baby is still floating (meaning the head has not settled into Rose's cervix) and her cervix is still sealed as tight as a newly purchased pickle jar.

And by the way...I really really really wish that I didn't know what any of that shit I just wrote meant. My sister's whole pregnancy has been a horrifying learning experience for me. There's all kinds of talk about leaking, and breast pads, and mucus plugs (which actually made me literally gag and scream at the top of my lungs) and receiving blankets, and engorged nipples.

I'm even horrified that I am having to write such words and phrases.

Don't get me worng, I could not be more excited about welcoming my niece into this world and then proceeding to buy her love by giving her anything she could possibly want (which is precisely what I intend to do), but I really really really want to stop learning about pregnancy.

My sister's baby shower was this Sunday, and after the shower my sister and brother-in-law did a mega Babies R Us run to get everything they "needed" before the baby arrived - to the tune of $1,800!

I think it was the Hello Kitty Band-Aids that my brother-in-law insisted on that put them over the edge budget wise.

Why did they need Hello Kitty Band-Aids? Because according to my brother-in-law, "You can't put a big old grandpa Band-Aid on a baby dammit!" So into the cart went the Hello Kitty Band-Aids!

As far as I am concerned, they gave me about 1,800 more reasons NOT to get pregnant...and what REALLY convinced me (as if I wasn't already convinced?) was when my sister asked me to hand her a napkin when we were waiting for her doctor because she was leaking.

Apparently pregnant women leak...and that is just about as much as I ever need to know about my sister's pregnant woman parts for THE REST OF MY LIFE!!!

Trying to get back in the habit...

I don't know why I haven't been able to get back into the swing of blogging, other than the fact that I have just been busy. You know - life. Summer!! When work isn't breathing down my neck, it seems like I have a million other things that I am doing.

Being busy is definitely better than sitting on my ass and eating red vines at home...but it doesn't leave a whole lot of time (outside of obsessively Facebooking) to do any blogging.

I know I owe you so much more than I give you.

Anyway...

There have been some definite highlights over the last few weeks that I hope to catch you all up with...but right now...

What. The. Fuck. Michael. Jackson.

How could you do this to us? How are we ever supposed to attend another 80's night at La Salles knowing that you are no longer rooting for us to perfect that drunken Moon Walk? How will we go on?

Seriously?

I'm lost in a world of 80's one hit wonders without the King of Pop. So. Sad.

I must mourn before filling you in on all the plastic surgery I plan on having done in memory of MJ.

Just kidding.

But really, a tummy tuck might possibly be very beneficially for my sex life...

On second thought, a tummy tuck may be a drastic understatement. I need a tummy excavation.

I'm looking into it...

When left to my own devices...

OMG...I finally figured out why spending $2 Gs on a Mac was WORTH ALL THAT SCRILLA...

Because while you were watching So You Think You Can Dance last night...I was doing THIS.

I totally win...

I always knew I was good at the ol' make out fest. But damn, I AM GOOD.

Double your pleasure, double your fun.

Creeper McCreeperson

Got tongue?

Top 'o the mornin' to ya!

Look into my eyeball.

Ahhhhhhhh.....

Whatcha talkin' 'bout Willis?

Whazzzz up.....

What. The. Fuck.

You know you want a piece of this...

Now, this is just ridiculous...

Seriously...stop it...

Somebody get the tape measure...

Yeah, I know...yesterday my blog was boring as hell...but sometimes, that is just as good as it gets. I mean, I can't fall down or shit my pants in public every day people - that would start wearing on my amazing ability to be absolutely un-humble. I just made that word up, you like?

Anyway, I don't even know why I am apologizing to you...I mean, need I remind you that you all practically begged me to continue writing my blog?

Because you did.

Anyway, I am wrapping up day 2 with the family, and do you want to know what we did today; other than attend my sister's graduation from Sacramento State (YAY SISTER!!!)?

We made my dad and my sister compare their bellies.

That's right - this is how we get our rocks off.

We made my 30 weeks pregnant sister compare her unborn child belly to my father's 64 (65 coming 'round the corner) year old beer belly.

That's right.

My father compared his unborn grand-daughter to his 64 (damn near 65) years worth of empty-carb-beer-inspired-man-belly.

And do you want to know something else?

MY FATHER WAS PROUD THAT HIS BELLY PROTRUDED FURTHER.

People...we haven't even started drinking yet...

A day in the life...

THIS IS MY 300TH POST!!! How in the hell did I ever find that many things to tell you about?!?! It's a gift...it really is...

So my sister Rose is graduating this weekend and my parents are in California from Colorado. They wanted me to drive to Foresthill last night, but I know that my parents wake up at what-the-fuck-thirty...so I opted out, instead deciding to drive up to Foresthill Friday morning.

I wanted to leave this morning by 10, to get to my sister's by noon.

The alarm went off at 8:30, obviously, I turned it off until 9.

At 9 my sister called and woke me up, then yelled at me for still being in bed.

Then I decided that I needed to meditate since I was going to be spending the next 4 days with all of my family.

At 9:02 I finally got in the shower. I never was one for meditation, perhaps that 2 minutes would have been better spent mastur....never mind...

Then I got out of the shower.

Then I needed to check my e-mail, my blog, my dating sites, and Facebook.

Finally I got dressed, did my make up and put shoes on.

Then I packed all my shit and it took me 2 loads to get it all into my car (including my laundry hamper filled with dirty clothes which I planned to make my sister do for me).

Finally at 10:08 I pull out of the driveway.

But my car seemed a little dirty and this is the first time my parents will have seen it, so I decided that I needed a car wash.

I go to the local car wash place, but I didn't understand how it really worked so I ended up paying $18.99 for a car wash that took 20 minutes.

Oy!

Then I didn't have any cash, so I pretended not to notice that other people were tipping.

Anywho...

Then I realized that I needed gas...

...I got gas.

Then I realized that I needed cash...

...drive through BofA, done.

Finally, at 10:45 I left Alameda.

But once I got to Berkeley I obviously had to stop at Scrapbook Territory.

I also needed a bagel.

So, I finally got back on the road at 11:45.

Then I got to Sacramento and my sister called and asked me to meet her for lunch...

...which I did.

Then I decided that I needed to stop at Green Tangerine (another Scrapbook store)...

...which I did.

When I finally showed up to my sister's at 3pm...my parents had abandoned ship and where nowhere to be found.

It's rough being me...I have no fucking clue how I ever get anything done...

Somebody quick...get the Pepto!!

I hate kids. Except, of course, for my soon to be niece who is still brewin'. Anyway, yeah, kids give me diarrhea and hives, so I try to avoid them. But my God, is it just me, or is it the Crack Popsicle I just finished off...because this commercial CRACKS MY SHIT UP!!!